Mom – Why Did You Give Me Away?

Mom – Why Did You Give Me Away?

Ok so… One of my earliest memory’s is of my mother sitting on the couch sobbing. I was young, maybe 6 or 7 I’m thinking. And I went up to my mom and asked, “Mom, what’s wrong? Why are you so sad?”

My mom answered, “Because they won’t let me give you away” (They was social services).” They” had been in our home off and on for at least a year.Mom - Why Did You Give Me Away?

I know.. Sound’s harsh, tear jerking even. My mom suffers from depression. Actually, later in life… My 20’s actually she confided in me and told me that she may suffer from manic depression.

Now it’s called bi-polar depression. At the time she was taking a “new medication” that was supposed to help. But, she said… it was hard to say if it would hep because she cycles fast. Not sure what that meant at the time.

I remember having “outing’s” with other families for quite some time when I was around seven. At one outing I was upset that they had only cool-aide and not “soda”. That outing didn’t go so well. The parent’s had many kid’s that lived with them… most were adopted. I didn’t pay much attention that. I was a hyper and energetic kid. You know, climbing tree’s, exploring and that sort of thing. On this particular outing my little brother and I had stayed the whole weekend with this family.

When my Mom picked us up after the weekend I thought it was a little strange when she started asking questions. First my mom asks, “well how was it? Did you guys have fun?”

yeah I guess…” I replied as I crossed my arms and skirted to the bottom of the seat.

“So… my mom continues.. would you guys like to stay there forever?”

“No”! I shot back. “They only have Cool-aide, they don’t like soda. I wan’t Soda!”

“Well, I’m sorry. What am I supposed to do? I’m trying to find you guy’s a good home!” My mom blurts out.

Mom – Why Did You Give Me Away?

I just sat silently… Taking it all in. What does that mean? I don’t understand. At this time my young mind didn’t understand that my mom was trying to find a new family for my brother and I. Oh and by the way I did have an older sister at the time. She was about 2 years older than me. But for the life of me I can’t remember much of her.

What I do remember of my older sister is that one time she and I were sprinkling pepper on my younger brother’s thumb as a remedy to “breaking him of sucking his thumb”. And that I looked up to her. As I watched her practicing on her flute… I made a mental note to learn how to play once I was old enough. I don’t know my sister today, she and my mom had a falling out when she was an adult. I did meet her briefly in my early 20’s but never reconnected with her. And what sucks the most… I never learned to play the flute. I was a clarinet player in school. Maybe I still have time to play the flute?

I don’t know why family is on my mind lately. But it is. Therefore, I feel a need to write about it and hope it help’s someone out there. I have so many stories. Such little time these days! Lol.

Mom – Why Did You Give Me Away?

The sad thing is that this memory happened just a few years before my mom abandoned me and my brother. What I didn’t know at the time hurt me a whole lot many years later. As a child, ignorance if bliss! All I knew was that I was adopted, and that I had a new family now.

Many years later, however… I found out that my mother convinced the state to take my brother and I into foster care. So that she could get on her feet under her and financially support us. What really happened was a whole other story!

NOW here is the kicker…

After my brother and I are put into foster care… She Get’s Married! From there she refuses to take my little brother and I back. When I met her years later she confess’ that she had it set up with the state to make sure we were placed in the same home together (my brother and I). Sound’s kinda wonky huh?

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Mom – Why Did You Give Me Away?

What suck’s the most… Is finding out that my mother was very happy for those next years and that she had married well. She had lot’s of money and had no want for anything. In my 20’s I did talk to her husband at the time (they had been divorced for a bit at that time). All he said was,”well I didn’t know what was going on. One day you guy’s were there and the next…. you were gone!”

He went on to say, “well, I would have married her either way. I accepted that she had three kids.” I do remember him being in our lives and taking all of us on walks shortly before we went into foster care.

So sad… all those years that my younger brother wand I was gone, my older sister had to stay. The states wouldn’t take her into foster care because she was too old. It had to be hard for her. Listening to my mom’s regret’s to giving us away…

Mom – Why Did You Give Me Away?

No wonder there was a falling out with my older sister and my mother. Bet she resented us for it, even though we were a distant memory at the time. It had to have been so hard for her. Think about it? She probably had guilt that wasn’t even her’s!

Needless to say. My mom got bored. And with all her regret’s and trying to get my little brother and me back. And failed. After all we were adopted by this point. She decided to re-create a family. With her and her somewhat new husband she tried artificial insemination. Hence… they had a brand new baby!

Now, when I met my (biological) mother I was in my early 20’s. At the time she had 3 young kids. I was not too impressed with this.

“What? Was I that bad that you had to get rid of me and make 3 new one’s”? That’s what I was thinking anyway’s. But at the time, I refused to acknowledge this thought. I played the good daughter with open arms to my mom and new sisters. At that time I did not feel anger or resentment towards her in any way.